If Famous Preachers Left Yelp Reviews of Lakewood Church

Luther, M.
Wittenberg
95 Friends

“This miserable jackanapes who makes a pretense of preaching would have the Christian avoid tribulations, which are twofold: from divine wrath and from divine goodness. But this miniature Demas, in love with this present world, judges both only according to outward appearances, and makes himself a theologian of glory. In the face of tribulation, if one is spiritual, strong, wise, pious, gentle and humble, he will become more spiritual, powerful, wise, pious, gentle and humble, as the Psalmist says in Psalm 4:1: ‘Thou has enlarged me when I was in distress.’ But this addlepate is no Christian but a Turk and an enemy of Christ who would deny the Christian this cross; for here the Apostle speaks: ‘We glory in tribulations.’

“O-stink glories only in vanity and is blind to the God who accepts no one as righteous whom He has not first tried. But He tries us through the fire of affliction, as we read in Psalm 11:5: ‘The Lord trieth the righteous.’ God tries us in this way, in order that we may know whether we really love God for His own sake. This false ‘Lake-of-fire’ deceiver is one whose very teeth are an offense to the divine Wisdom.”

Calvin, J.
Geneva
0 Friends

“The greeters were very cloying and I found my seat did not afford a good view. The music was mostly Christian rock and not of the very best kind. The law of God was never preached and therefore the balm of the gospel never offered. In addition, coffee hour was a catastrophic admixture of idolatry, false fellowship, and cronuts, themselves unclean adulterations. One youth asked if I was ‘into bedazzling,’ as if I were a wizard of some former age. I immediately fled, seeking refuge with the king whose realm is composed of burgers.”

Wesley, J.
London, England
25,500 Friends

“Christians are not perfect in knowledge, and this preacher offer proof of this. Innumerable are the things which he knows not. Touching the Almighty himself, this Osteen knows neither the thunder of the Lord’s power nor the times and seasons [Acts 1:7] when God will work his great works upon the earth, when ‘the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, greater even than that of the praise band, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat,’ preferably sooner than later. And while no one, then, is so perfect in this life as to be free from ignorance, the Preacher of Lakewood abuses the privilege. Nay, with regard to the Holy Scriptures themselves, as careful as they are to avoid it, the best of men are liable to mistake. Today within my hearing was preaching of such mistake as to make the most grotesque of Judaizers seem the very apostle to the Gentiles. Would an Alexander the Coppersmith appear and do this ministry much harm. Like now.”

Spurgeon, CH
London, England
10M Friends

“Though salvation is not by works of the law, yet the blessings which are promised to obedience are denied by this faithless servant. This Ostler picks and chooses with respect to all that God has commanded. If His chosen ones walk uprightly before Him, He will bless. Yet the ways of worldly conformity and unholiness cannot bring good to us. If integrity does not make us prosper, discounted e-books on Amazon will not.

“No man may refuse to go to holy war. We must fight if we would reign, and we must carry on the warfare till we overcome every enemy, yea this very false prophet, who has come into the world wielding via satellite all the evils that accompany false teaching. Read the whole of the Spirit’s word to the church at Ephesus. Or Bunyan, you pickled herrings.

“The unction of Satan drips from the very bannisters of the Lakewood synagogue.”

Finney, C.
Oberlin, Ohio
I am my own friend

“This latter-day Joel rightly promises future blessings owing to prevailing prayer.

“The fellowship at Lakewood understands that Our Savior excites strong desires for blessings, which you are bound to pray for in faith. You are bound to infer, from the fact that you find yourself drawn to desire such a thing while in the exercise of such holy affections as the Spirit of Joel produces, that these desires are the work of the Spirit also: happiness, stuff, three-day weekends, marmite paninis.

“Here, then, if you find yourself strongly drawn to desire a blessing, you are to understand it as an intimation that God is willing to bestow that particular blessing, and so you are bound to believe it or you’re a dope. God does not trifle with His children but is not keen on the Midianites. He does not go and excite in a son or daughter a desire for one blessing, say, a Lexus, to turn them off with something else, nay, a Tesla. But He excites the very desires He is willing to gratify such that the itch and the scratch become one. And when believers feel such desires, they are bound to follow them out till they get the blessing, or else.

“To prove that faith is indispensable to prevailing prayer, it is only necessary to repeat what the apostle James expressly tells us: “If any of you lack Armani, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him, with a nice knit tie. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth, will receive Donald J. Trump grey plaid” (James 1:5, 6).

“Midway through the worship service, we were asked to believe that we shall receive—something—what? Not something, or anything, as it happens; but some particular thing. We were to think that God is not such a Being that if we ask a fish He will give us a serpent; or if we ask a four-bedroom, three bath colonial in Brentwood, He will give us a trailer in Oxnard. But He says: ‘What things so ever ye desire when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them, so pay the quarterly tax now.’

“We met a man during the fellowship who supposed that God had especially promised a thing but prayed, ‘Lord, if it be Thy will…’ We immediately upbraided him and said, ‘This is to insult God. To put an if into God’s promise, where God has put none, is tantamount to charging God with being an Old School Calvinist.’

“I am most pleased to recommend the Lakewood Church. The spirit of prayer has come down upon this Church, and a most powerful revival will certainly follow. Of what, I have no idea.”

Graham, W.
Earth
Everyone is a friend

“The pawn shop of Satan in which we are redeemed by the sentimentality of a bloodless Saviour. Go to my grandson’s church.”

Chrysostom, J.
Constantinople
Friends are a luxury I cannot afford

“Paul took whatever was profitable of the chastening that proceeds from the Devil, and left the rest alone. This false church takes whatever is profitable for inflating egos and grants the proceeds to the Devil. The Apostle often used the Devil as an executioner. This Empty Orifice executes false doctrine and sends those conviced they have done no wrong to the Devil.

“Not once did I hear that we were to know ourselves, know our wounds, thus to seek the right medicines. Instead we were fed anodynes. For he who does not know his disease, will give no care to his weakness. There were many young in attendance here. But these young should not be confident in their youth, nor think that they have a very fixed term of life, ‘For the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night.’ On this account he has made our end invisible, in order that we might make our diligence plain. No such warning was ever preached, as if the young would live for eternity in their own power. Still hear what Paul says ‘when they say peace and safety, then sudden destruction cometh upon them.’ Affairs are full of much change. We are not masters of our end. We are not to put faith in dreams and worldly comfort. Let us be masters not of earthly desires but of virtue. Our Master Christ is loving. This ministry is not.”

Keller, T.
Manhattan
8M Friends

“The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared believe, but more accepted and loved than you ever dared hope. … I don’t actually have time to sit through a whole Lakewood service. I don’t have time to sit through one of my own services. So I got nuthin.”

Apostle Paul                               
Tarsus
11 Friends

“WTF?”