Top Exorcist Sends 160,000 Demons Back to Hell. ACLU, Bishop Schori Threaten Lawsuit.


“This is my crucifix. Get your own. I don’t care what the church is charging for them, not my problem—MY crucifix….I don’t care if someone stole your social security check—NOT MY PROBLEM.”

So the Roman Catholic Church’s top exorcist claims to have sent 160,000 demons back to hell. Now that’s some strict bookkeeping, because I would have stopped counting after the first fifty or sixty. And no word on whether amnesty is in the works for some of the less belligerent types.

Father Gabriele Amorth, 88, who also heads the International Association of Exorcists, told The Sunday Times that he will ask Pope Francis to allow all priests the right to do exorcisms without the church’s approval. According to the report, priests currently need special approval from their bishop to perform the rite and it is rarely granted.

“I will ask the pope to give all priests the power to carry out exorcisms, and to ensure priests are properly trained for these starting with the seminary. There’s a huge demand for them,” said Father Amorth.

He explained that he was inspired to make the request after watching Pope Francis perform what he insists was an exorcism on a man “possessed by four demons” in St. Peter’s Square.

“The pope is also the Bishop of Rome, and like any bishop he is also an exorcist,” Amorth reportedly told La Repubblica newspaper.

See? Now this guy knows what he’s talking about. He’s “head” of the International Association of Exorcists, which is harder to get into than the Teamsters. I mean those blackballing bastards make you jump through so many hoops—have you ever seen the paperwork? Reams of questionnaires, eyewitness testimony, a reference from at least two senior devils. It’s ridiculous, I tell you. But oh the bennies! Fifteen percent off every coffee at Wawa’s, you can fly coach on any airline but Virgin, a bowling jacket, free dental…

Now here’s another thing: Fr. Amorth says all bishops are exorcists. Is this only in the RCC? How about Orthodox bishops? Anglican? What about Bishop Schori, who believes possession is an alternative lifestyle? Is exorcism a sin against diversity? Can Fr. Amorth be sued for intolerance?

I think we should all be grateful to the Fr. Amorths of the world. Anyone who does not believe in demons has never been to a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show or sat in traffic on the Long Island Expressway. The more of those troublemakers we send back south of the border (and by border, I mean the one that divides terrestrial life from the nether regions, like Amsterdam), the better for property values.

Although we don’t want them to be too successful. The last thing we need is a bunch of unemployed exorcists bumming demons off of hyperactive high schoolers or Hollywood show runners…