If the New York Times Had Written Jesus’s Obituary

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A mean fisherman, foodie, and sometimes magician, but perhaps most famously known as the front man for a popular Air Supply tribute band, The Apostles, Jesus H. Christ died Friday of heart failure. He was 83.

Born on or around 0 BCE, to Judith, a Palestinian exile, and Jeremy, a Gadarene lumberjack, Jesus was diagnosed as “special needs” early on. A source of grief to his parents, given to disappearing for days on end and “mouthing off” to religious authorities about the ban on women priests and artificial contraception, the lad was for all intents and purposes put away until roughly the age of 30. It was at this time that he began appearing in public to entertain large crowds with rousing oratory and acts of legerdemain alternately described as “breathtaking” and “the work of Satan,” the renowned creator of Cirque du Soleil.

It was not long before an entourage formed around this charismatic figure. Jesus’ inner circle, or band, was composed of John, Peter, George (Aramaic for “the quiet one”), and Judas. They could often be seen “playing out” at various venues, riling up the young and “alienated” (especially women) while infuriating their elders.

But success for The Apostles proved fleeting. Members of the group began to resent Jesus’ popularity, as well as his habit of arriving late for gigs after lingering at popular hangouts, weddings, and impromptu picnics. Jesus’ politics were also a source of unease. Speaking out against the 1 percent and threatening to initiate urban renewal plans without appropriate permits, it was only a matter of time before civil authorities began to label the popular personality as a troublemaker. At this time also, Air Supply opened a series of lawsuits against The Apostles, claiming copyright infringement, citing especially “Just as I Am,” which they claim Jesus rewrote without permission. Rival band The Pharisees was also suing the group for liable.

Drugs, too, were said to have played a role in the disintegration of The Apostles. Jesus was rumored to enter “altered” states in which he claimed to be the long lost son of legendary Swedish rock group ABBA. Others blame a woman, known as “Madge,” as the real reason for the band’s split.

Two days ago, a financial dispute with Judas grew heated, resulting in Jesus’ being taken into police custody, where he “collapsed” after an officer suffered an injury to his ear. Authorities blame alcohol, but accusations of police brutality are being investigated.

Funeral arrangements were not finalized at press time.

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