Don’t Tell Evangelicals About the Zombie Apocalypse or All Hell Will Break Loose

So a bunch of haters over at the Halo Corp., which promotes itself as being on the cutting edge of zombie-apocalypse security, is getting ready to demonize yet another minority group.

The far-fetched scenario of a government grappling a zombielike threat — think movies like “Night of the Living Dead” or, more comically, “Zombieland” — has captured the attention and imagination of Brad Barker, president of the security firm HALO Corp.

Next month, his outfit will incorporate — no kidding — zombies into a disaster-crisis scenario at the company’s annual Counter-Terrorism Summit in San Diego, a five-day event providing hands-on training, realistic demonstrations, lectures and classes geared to more than 1,000 military personnel, law enforcement officials, medical experts, and state and federal government workers. …

Barker calls the scenario “Zombie Apocalypse.” That phrase took off last year after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention unveiled a campaign aimed at underscoring the importance of being prepared for major emergencies, natural disasters and pandemics.

In the CDC’s Preparedness 101 program, fictional zombies are used to drive home the message that Americans must be ready for any emergency — even the kind that, hypothetically, could stem from a brain-eating virus pandemic. Zombies also star in a 40-page comic book the CDC published, a tongue-in-cheek take on the serious scenario of a mutated virus that quickly spreads as the government dispatches its military to maintain order while infectious disease specialists scour for a vaccine.

First it was racial minorities, then it was religious minorities, now it’s lifeless minorities. When will the zombophobia end? When will you people realize that the lifeless are just like us. Sure, they may contain within their ranks a handful of fanatics who, when provoked, eat the brains of the living—but what group doesn’t? Just think of the people who ran around like maniacs promoting ethanol.

And the hysterical language crafted to instill fear and distrust of our lifeless neighbors! I mean, images of a “brain-eating virus pandemic” affecting city after city like those damn Kardashians—who wouldn’t be terrified?

Certainly the zombie community has issues of its own. And the zombie media have done their own people no service by promoting images of the very worst among the presently plasmated. My real concern now is that the goodhearted among us will never make a zombie friend or learn a little more about zombie culture. When was the last time you stopped to consider the contributions the rigorously morted have made to America? Why, cemeteries would be dull affairs without the ever-present possibility of the undead trampling on freshly laid flowers and ripping off an arm or two of some nosy parker reading tombstones on his lunch hour.

I implore you: stop spreading misinformation about your zombie neighbors. Reach out. Show you care. Or they’ll pull the small intestines right out of your abdomen.

In related news: Christine O’Donnell is threatening Delaware with another run for elected office.